My very own black dog

Depression, that word has so many meanings to so many people, it holds it’s very own strength.
The words which you are reading, they are my own, they reflect my feelings, my thoughts and struggles. Depression is different for every poor soul who encounters it.

When I was younger I barely heard the word depression, hell mental illness wasn’t really mentioned, it was a taboo subject really.
I remember the first time I heard the word mentioned was back in 2000, when my mother passed away. I was given a book, something about a black dog..
Today, it’s everywhere to a point, medications, therapies, the different types of different, symptoms ect.

Before I got diagnosed, I think I was in denial. Maybe I was just naive and uneducated.
Despite the thoughts I were having, and the feelings I was continuously experiencing, I was able to mask it, hide it from the people around me. I could still smile and laugh, even if they had no meaning behind it, I still got out of bed everyday, showered, went out etc.
A few months later, I ended up going to a doctor to talk about everything I was feeling. Turns out, I had depression.

I still have it, I want to say that I manage but that wouldn’t be an honest description. I feel as though I barely manage, I honestly feel as though everything is an effort, that my life is a huge black hole of nothingness, I guess that I have had it for so long, I’ve kind of learnt to live with it.
My day with depression, it usually starts before I’m awake, my dreams are usually dark, grey and black.. or about certain events from my life, sometimes it’s about suicide or death. Randomly though I’ll have a good dream or not remember my dreams.
When I wake up.. my black dog usually starts waking up with me, the tiredness instantly sets in, my amazing self thoughts of how doomed and shit my day is going to be, like today it was ” a shit day for a shit person ”
The longer I’m awake, the stronger the thoughts are.

F**ck, I wish I could explain how my thoughts are, it’s like I can have a million words and phrases going on in my head, all bad, all at once. It makes it so hard to concentrate sometimes.
It’s even worse when I go out in public, work is a nightmare. Having to remind myself constantly to smile, look happy and enthusiastic, look strong! The whole ” oh I’m just tired ” or ” I’m just feeling sick ” can’t be used to often.
There are times where in the usually greetings of someone I encounter, I want scream ” No, I’m actually pretty fucking shit this morning! I fucking hate my life, hate the constant pain in my head and heart and so-called soul ” but I don’t. I always pussy out like a bitch, I over think it, people have their own issues in life, they don’t need to know about mine, There are people in far worse situations, whose lives are so much worse than mine.

When I’m at work and I fuck up.. hell when I fuck up in any situation, god.. my black dog just starts doing back flips like it’s on speed or something. ” way to go, useless bitch ” and that’s the more kinder phrase.

Hmm it may be too late, but ill do it now, trigger warning for those who may need it.
I’m going to talk about the physical side of my black dog, this includes suicide.
Now before anyone gets their panties in a twist, calm your farm and relax, I don’t need the number to life line, head space, beyond blue or anything like that. I’m still here, I have no intent at this current point in time in committing suicide. I’m just not going to soften up my feelings and experience of it.

I suffer from many thoughts of suicide, I’ve had plans, written farewells, I’ve attempted it a few times as well. I find my suicidal tendencies fluctuate, they range from mild to severe. It’s been quite a few years since the last time I attempted suicide, which I do find a sliver of hope in, though the thoughts and ideation are still present.
On a good day, it’ll just be just another thought mixed in with the other shit thoughts, kinda gets lost in my minds craziness. On a bad day though, it can be quite scary.. You can be out or at home, and see something and then just envision yourself committing suicide, seeing that and then having to listen to the constant self thoughts is horrible, that alone is enough to want to jump off the balcony or swallow that box of easily accessible pain killers.
People say suicide is selfish, I say a huge fuck you to those people. Most people who commit suicide aren’t doing it for them, they are doing it for those who love.
Yes, they believe it will end all their pain and fix their issues, but they also 100% believe that the world around them will be better off.
Those times I attempted, I honestly thought that my loved ones would be better off, I thought that they would feel so much comfort in the fact that I was finally gone and they wouldn’t have to worry about me, wouldn’t have to have the burden of seeing me, looking after me. I even thought that they wouldn’t have a funeral, that they would probably just have a party to celebrate their much-needed freedom.
A small part of me, the somewhat sane me, can see that a lot of that seems absurd, but when you are drowning in such a shit state of mind, with so much self hate and just pure blackness, well you can’t really understand until you experience it, and I honestly wish no one does.

Self harm, another touchy subject for some people and a subject in which so many people don’t seem to understand.
I just want to get this out-of-the-way before I begin my hard to follow rant,
To the people who think cutters are out to seek attention, especially if they cut on their wrist.. Get your head out of your asses. Yes there may be a few who do it for attention but I am telling you now, 99% of people who cut, do it for a very good reason.
I have cut, I have found so much freedom and relief from cutting. I have cut my wrists, arms, legs, thighs and feet, i’ve purposely inflicted pain on myself, burnt my self.
Why? Because I was in control, I was inflicting a feeling onto my self, I was feeling something which was a normal thing to feel! It felt fucking good, I felt pain over something you were actually meant to feel pain from! I felt normal!
There were days where I felt so numb, inside and out and cutting myself was the only way I could ensure that I hadn’t lost my mind or my ability to feel.
The reason why many people cut their wrists is because when you get that urge, you kind of blank out, your just in a desperate bid to feel or gain control of yourself and the wrist is usually the easiest and quickest area unfortunately it’s also the most easily seen place as well.

If I’m being completely honest, a part of me misses the pain, the control, I have a child who see’s everything, so I havent cut in a very long time, instead I’m very sneaky I guess, I inflict pain in a way they no one suspects, I can hurt myself ” by accident ” an accidental burn from something like a pot or the stove or from my smoke and no one suspects a thing.
haha sounds like I’m hiding a bloody drug habit or something!
I’m not.. though I wish I was, would probably be easier and maybe more rewarding!

Now for those wondering if I have been to a doctor, have questions about medicines and therapies.
Yes I have been to a doctor as I have previously stated. I don’t take antidepressants, I have a severe phobia of taking medication, actually not just medication, any kind of substance to do with medicine entering my body whether it be a liquid to be drunk, a tablet to be swallowed or through a needle or iv.. I just can’t do it, I have severe panic attacks if I am forced to.
I went through child-birth with no pain relief because I was too scared to have some!
It has taken me 2 years to be able to comfortably take a paracetamol tablet when I am by myself and not actually panic and think I’m dying from an over dose or allergic reaction.

I have also have a few various forms of therapies like Hypnosis and CBT, unfortunately nothing has worked so far.. What seems to be working for me better than anything else has is by me just doing what I am doing now, accepting the facts and doing my very best to hold on and to hide it from the world..
Do I think its working? I used to.. but I think I’m now struggling.. especially since I have turned to writing this blog. Hey who knows.. maybe this blog will help me.


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